The Stages of Matrescence: What to Expect Emotionally After Becoming a Mother
Matrescence has no fixed stages, but most people move through recognizable emotional windows: the decision and pregnancy, the early months after birth, and the longer stretch after that, when identity questions get louder.
I wish I could hand you a timeline. I can't, because the science is still developing. However, think of these as windows, not steps. You can move back and forth between them, and that's normal.
How long does matrescence last, and does it have stages?
Matrescence has no fixed length and no fixed stages. Researchers describe it as individual, recurring with each child, and possibly lifelong with no clear endpoint (Athan, 2024).
Some authors describe a two- to three-year transformation at the heart of it (Harrold, 2024). I don't think those two ideas conflict. The most intense part can ease while the becoming keeps going.
Because researchers haven't mapped fixed stages, I won't invent them. I can offer what I see in my practice, next to what the research says about timing. New to the term? What Is Matrescence? Understanding the Identity Shift Into Motherhood is the place to start.
What does matrescence feel like before the baby arrives?
It often begins at the decision to become a parent, and the most common feeling is anxiety about losing control. Priorities shift, and the questions start.
In my practice, people come to therapy before the baby is even here. They've noticed that a lot is changing just from starting down this path. I think what surprises people is how much that one decision changes things, and how fast.
Things about your lifestyle that felt right, or even unimportant, can suddenly matter. Then the questions show up. How will my relationship change? Do we have enough money? Do I have enough support from family and community? Am I good enough to be someone's parent?
Is it normal to feel afraid this early?
Yes. Anxiety, fear, and uncertainty are expected when something big is about to change. These worries can start at the beginning and continue through pregnancy and beyond.
What I watch for is being so overwhelmed that you feel paralyzed and can't work through the thoughts at all. That's the point where support helps.
What does matrescence feel like in the first months after birth?
The early months tend to bring uneven bonding, a disrupted routine, and changes in how you and your partner connect. At this stage you're learning how the new identity feels now that it's real.
The routine change throws people off, even when they had a plan. Most people did prepare. They read the books, did therapy, and made the plan. I think you can't really be prepared until you're in it, so you end up riding the emotions as you adjust.
Is it normal not to feel instantly bonded to your baby?
Yes. The level of connection people feel varies, and I think expectations shape how it lands. If you expected to be swept away by love and you aren't, guilt can show up fast. If you felt more than you expected, that can be a surprise too.
Both are common. If the distance doesn't ease over time, or it comes with despair, tell a medical or mental health provider.
How does matrescence affect your relationship in the early months?
It can change intimacy and connection. Relationships can change considerably after a baby arrives (Athan, 2024), and body changes and hormone shifts are part of it. Estrogen and progesterone rise in pregnancy and drop sharply after birth (Orchard et al., 2023).
There are different ways to stay connected, and they may need real attention during this transition. Without it, the habit of connecting can weaken and a new habit of disconnection can set in.
The mental load falls on any parent who carries it, not only the one who gave birth (Orchard et al., 2023). If you're the partner, Supporting a Partner Through Matrescence goes deeper.
Is there a male equivalent of matrescence?
It's often called patrescence, and it highlights that the identity shift isn't tied to who gave birth.
First-time fathers show reductions in gray matter volume after their child is born (Martínez-García et al., 2022, as cited in Orchard et al., 2023). Researchers also say far less is known about non-birthing parents of any gender (Orchard et al., 2023). The fuller picture is in What Is Matrescence? Understanding the Identity Shift Into Motherhood.
What changes after the newborn months, from about six months to a year and beyond?
Identity questions often get louder, and grief for the old self can set in as parenthood starts to feel like your real life.
There's a loss of identity in favor of the new one. For some people, parenthood starts to take up all the room. Questions like "Who am I now?" and "Is this all I am now?" and "I miss the old me" come up.
That's not wrong. I think it's natural to fear being swallowed by the role: the expectations from society, family, and your relationship, and the needs of an actual child.
Even the research can't say how long this lasts. The hardest parts ease slowly, as babies sleep through the night, as school starts, and sometimes as children leave home (Orchard et al., 2023). Researchers also name a gain people rarely hear about. Tolerance for ambiguity is one of the psychological benefits that can come alongside the losses (Athan, 2024).
What happens to the brain during matrescence?
The brain goes through real structural and functional change during pregnancy and after birth, and some of it lasts. Researchers describe matrescence as a sensitive neurodevelopmental period (Orchard et al., 2023).
One study found that brain changes in pregnancy resemble those of adolescence (Carmona et al., 2019, as cited in Orchard et al., 2023). The hippocampus, a region tied to memory, shows reduced gray matter across pregnancy and increases afterward (Orchard et al., 2023).
Neuroscientists describe the process as "pruning and tuning," which may leave the brain more efficient and attuned (Pawluski et al., 2022, as cited in Athan, 2024). Orchard's team cautions that the link between these brain changes and everyday thinking isn't proven.
When should you get support?
Get support when the worry overwhelms you, when your joy doesn't lift, or when you can't function the way you need to. Matrescence and postpartum depression can happen together.
Estimates of depression in this period range from 15 to 21 percent, and up to 80 percent of mothers report some kind of distress (Athan, 2024). Researcher Allison Davis puts it plainly: the question isn't matrescence or postpartum depression, because it could be both (as cited in Harrold, 2024).
You don't have to sort out which one you have before you reach out. Matrescence Therapy: What It Is and How It Can Help explains what support looks like.
Ready to talk about what this window looks like for you? Book a Couples or Individual Therapy Consultation →
About
Jasmine McMeeking, LMFT, REAT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Expressive Arts Therapist (REAT) specializing in couples therapy, relational healing, and expressive arts supervision for licensed clinicians. Jasmine works with queer partnerships, multicultural couples, and non-traditional relationship structures navigating major life transitions, and with therapists who are ready to bring more of the whole person into their clinical work.
At Stanza, Jasmine offers individual and couples therapy grounded in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) and expressive arts approaches, alongside REAT supervision for licensed therapists integrating creative modalities into their practice.
Jasmine’s work is liberation-focused, deliberately unpolished, and built on the belief that healing happens through genuine human connection.
Book a Couples or Individual Therapy Consultation →
References
Athan, A. M. (2024). A critical need for the concept of matrescence in perinatal psychiatry. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 15, Article 1364845. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1364845
Carmona, S., Martínez-García, M., Paternina-Die, M., Barba-Müller, E., Wierenga, L. M., Alemán-Gómez, Y., Pretus, C., Marcos-Vidal, L., Beumala, L., Cortizo, R., Pozzobon, C., Picado, M., Lucco, F., García-García, D., Soliva, J. C., Tobeña, A., Peper, J. S., Crone, E. A., Ballesteros, A., Vilarroya, O., … Hoekzema, E. (2019). Pregnancy and adolescence entail similar neuroanatomical adaptations: A comparative analysis of cerebral morphometric changes. Human brain mapping, 40(7), 2143–2152. https://doi.org/10.1002/hbm.24513
Harrold, J. (2024). Mothershift. Shambhala.
Martínez-García, M., Paternina-Die, M., Cardenas, S. I., Vilarroya, O., Desco, M., Carmona, S., & Saxbe, D. E. (2023). First-time fathers show longitudinal gray matter cortical volume reductions: evidence from two international samples. Cerebral cortex (New York, N.Y. : 1991), 33(7), 4156–4163. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhac333
Orchard, E. R., Rutherford, H. J. V., Holmes, A. J., & Jamadar, S. D. (2023). Matrescence: lifetime impact of motherhood on cognition and the brain. Trends in cognitive sciences, 27(3), 302–316. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2022.12.002
Pawluski, J. L., Hoekzema, E., Leuner, B., & Lonstein, J. S. (2022). Less can be more: Fine tuning the maternal brain. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 133, 104475.
Davis, A., & Athan, A. (2023). Ecopsychological Development and Maternal Ecodistress During Matrescence. Ecopsychology, 15(3), 281-293. https://doi.org/10.1089/eco.2022.0084