The best way to support a partner through matrescence is to ask what they need instead of assuming, keep your agreed roles steady, and build rest in for both of you. You’re likely going through your own shift too, so supporting well includes looking after yourself.
In my experience, many partners want to help and don’t know how. That’s a normal place to start.
What is my partner going through?
Your partner is going through matrescence: the physical, hormonal, and identity shift of becoming a parent, happening while they learn a new role. It’s a normal developmental transition that can lead to ups and downs in your partner’s life.
Estrogen and progesterone rise during pregnancy and drop sharply after birth, and the brain goes through structural changes (Orchard et al., 2023). The shift touches every area of life, including relationships (Athan, 2024).
When partners tell me they don’t understand why their person is struggling so much, I start here. I explain the hormonal shifts and brain chemistry changes after birth. Then I explain that all of it is happening while your partner steps into a new role and identity as a parent.
New to the term? What Is Matrescence? Understanding the Identity Shift Into Motherhood is the place to start.
How do I know what my partner needs?
You may not know, and your partner may not either, so asking instead of assuming is the way to go. Needs shift as identity shifts, and what worked before may not work now.
It can be hard for the birthing parent to say what they need. Often they don’t know.
So check in and ask. Then expect to miss the mark sometimes. You might offer support exactly the way your partner asked for it, and it still won’t help in that moment. Have patience with that. It’s part of the process, not a sign you’re failing.
What if my partner says “I don’t know”?
Give them space to figure it out, and keep doing the tasks and roles you both agreed on. Steady follow-through is a form of support.
The birthing parent may need more sustained, higher-level support than you do. Check in so your partner gets a break, and make sure you get one too.
What am I allowed to feel as the supporting partner?
Everything. Overwhelm, fear, and even resentment are common, because you’re going through your own adjustment and identity shift too.
The questions I hear from supporting partners sound a lot like the ones birthing parents ask. ‘How can I support my partner and the baby? I’m overwhelmed too. Am I going to be able to do my part for this family? How much of myself am I going to lose? What if my partner changes forever? What if I don’t bond with the baby?’
Research points the same way. A review of 43 studies found that about 10 percent of fathers experience depression during pregnancy or the first postpartum year, with higher rates, around 26 percent, reported three to six months after birth, though fewer studies looked at that window (Paulson & Bazemore, 2010). A small interview study of non-birthing mothers in same-sex couples described feelings of failure, inadequacy, and powerlessness in the face of uncertainty (Howat et al., 2023).
If you’re parenting in a queer or non-traditional family, Matrescence in Queer and Non-Traditional Families speaks to this more directly.
Is it normal to feel resentful?
Yes, it’s normal. Resentment often shows up when the balance of attention shifts, when your bond with the baby looks different from your partner’s, or when your daily life changes.
I validate this when partners bring it up. The baby has a lot of needs, and attention gets divided. Some partners simply miss their old lifestyle.
Talk about it with your partner. Consider therapy. Protect the parts of your life you most want to keep, and work with your partner to preserve some of them. Self-care matters here too.
How do we protect our relationship while we both adjust?
Build rest into your days for both of you, and stay deliberate about connection. On average, relationship satisfaction dips after a baby arrives, so this takes effort (Doss & Rhoades, 2017).
Recovery can be practical. Ask family and friends for help: a meal train, babysitting, and help with cleaning. Anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy argues that human babies need more care than one parent can give, and that we evolved to share the work (as cited in Harrold, 2024). You weren’t meant to do this alone.
Intimacy and connection often change too, with body changes, hormone shifts, and a new routine. There are different ways to stay connected. Give them real attention, so a new habit of disconnection doesn’t set in.
Support matters for more than getting through it. Researchers who studied more than a hundred mothers found that well-supported mothers may come out with more self-esteem, new meaning in life, and a stronger sense of competence (as cited in Harrold, 2024).
When should we get support?
Get support when either of you feels overwhelmed, stuck, or unable to function the way you need to. Depression in one parent is linked to depression in the other, so if one of you is struggling, check on the other too (Paulson & Bazemore, 2010).
Therapy can be for one of you or for both. In couples work, I use EFCT to help partners move past the outward performance, whether that’s stoicism, joy, or anxiety, to the harder emotions underneath. That’s often where couples reconnect. When each partner can see the other more fully, they can improve their connection.
If you’d like community with other parents in this stage, What to Expect in a Couples Group for New and Expecting Parents is a good next read.
Want help figuring out what this looks like for the two of you? Book a Couples Therapy Consultation
Author bio
Jasmine McMeeking, LMFT, REAT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Expressive Arts Therapist (REAT) specializing in couples therapy, relational healing, and expressive arts supervision for licensed clinicians. Jasmine works with queer partnerships, interracial couples, and various relationship structures navigating major life transitions, and with therapists who are ready to bring more of the whole person into their clinical work.
At Metaphor, Jasmine offers individual and couples therapy grounded in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) and expressive arts approaches, alongside REAT supervision for licensed therapists integrating creative modalities into their practice.
Jasmine’s work is liberation-focused, deliberately unpolished, and built on the belief that healing happens through genuine human connection.
Book a Couples or Individual Therapy Consultation
Works Cited
Athan, A. M. (2024). A critical need for the concept of matrescence in perinatal psychiatry. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 15, Article 1364845. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1364845
Doss, B. D., & Rhoades, G. K. (2017). The transition to parenthood: Impact on couples’ romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 25-28. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.003
Harrold, J. (2024). Mothershift: Reclaiming motherhood as a rite of passage. Shambhala Publications.
Howat, A., Masterson, C., & Darwin, Z. (2023). Non-birthing mothers’ experiences of perinatal anxiety and depression: Understanding the perspectives of the non-birthing mothers in female same-sex parented families. Midwifery, 120, Article 103650. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.midw.2023.103650
Orchard, E. R., Rutherford, H. J. V., Holmes, A. J., & Jamadar, S. D. (2023). Matrescence: Lifetime impact of motherhood on cognition and the brain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 27(3), 302-316. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2022.12.002
Paulson, J. F., & Bazemore, S. D. (2010). Prenatal and postpartum depression in fathers and its association with maternal depression: A meta-analysis. JAMA, 303(19), 1961-1969. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2010.605