Will Couples Therapy Work for Us? Here's How to Tell

What actually creates change in couples therapy—and what to look for when choosing a therapist 

Thinking about couples therapy but wondering if it'll actually help? 

You're asking the right question. Not all couples therapy is the same, and success doesn't just depend on finding a good therapist. It depends on finding the right approach for where you and your partner are right now. 

Here's what I've learned about what actually makes couples therapy work, and how to know if it's the right move for your relationship. 

Is It Really About Learning Better Communication Skills? 

Here's something that might surprise you: the couples who make the most progress aren't necessarily the ones with the best communication skills to start with. 

They're the couples who are on the same page about wanting things to be different. 

When both partners have similar levels of commitment to the relationship and share a vision for what they want it to become, tools and techniques actually land. Research consistently shows that both partners' investment in the process matters more than the specific techniques a therapist uses (Christensen, Atkins, Baucom, & Yi, 2010). 

What this means for you: Before starting couples therapy, have an honest conversation: Do we both want this relationship to work? Are we both willing to look at our own patterns? If there's a major mismatch in commitment, a good therapist will help you explore that. 

How Do I Know If We're Just Too Stuck? 

You might have heard of relationship researcher John Gottman's "Four Horsemen": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These patterns show up when couples are struggling with deeper issues around safety, trust, or whether they truly want to stay together (Gottman, 1999). 

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, it doesn't mean you're doomed. It means there are underlying issues that need addressing, issues that go beyond learning to use "I" statements. 

What this means for you: Look for a therapist who prioritizes understanding what's happening beneath your arguments, not just teaching you how to argue "better." Ask potential therapists: "How do you help couples understand their patterns?" Their answer will tell you whether they're focused on skills alone or deeper transformation. 

What Does a Breakthrough Actually Look Like? 

The moments that create real change aren't usually when you learn a new technique. 

They're when someone sees something from a completely new angle and realizes: "Oh. That changes everything." 

When you understand WHY your partner reacts the way they do, not just THAT they do it, something shifts. Research on Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy shows that acceptance and understanding of patterns often need to come before behavioral change can stick (Christensen, Doss, & Jacobson, 2014). 

What this means for you: The right couples therapy will help you develop curiosity about what's happening between you, even when it's uncomfortable. You'll start catching yourselves falling into old patterns and choosing differently. Not perfectly, not every time, but more often. 

What If We're Not Sure We're Ready? 

Here's what successful couples therapy looks like when it works: 

Both partners develop the ability to see their patterns from outside the cycle. They catch themselves falling into old dynamics earlier. They develop compassion for why their partner acts the way they do, even when it's frustrating. 

The couples who benefit most aren't perfect. They're the ones who can stay curious about what's happening between them, even when it's hard. 

Sometimes you don't know if you're ready until you try. A good therapist will help you figure that out together. 

How Do I Know If a Therapist Is Right for Us? 

You deserve a therapist who will: 

• Help you understand what's actually happening in your relationship, not just give you homework 

• Be honest about whether therapy can help and whether you're a good fit for each other 

• Focus on YOUR goals for your relationship, not some template of what a "healthy relationship" should look like 

The initial consultation is as much about you interviewing them as it is them assessing you. 

What this means for you: Come with questions. Ask about their approach, what success looks like, how they handle conflict in sessions. Notice how you feel talking to them. Do they make you feel hopeful? Understood? Like change is possible? 

Your Next Step 

Not sure if couples therapy is right for you, or if my approach would be a good fit? I offer free 15-minute consultation calls to help you figure that out. No pressure, just clarity. 

I specialize in working with couples navigating major life transitions who want to build relationships that feel authentic. My approach combines Emotionally Focused Therapy with expressive arts, and I'll tell you honestly whether I think we can work together effectively. 

You deserve to find a therapist who gets what you're trying to build. Let's figure out together if that's me. 

Book Your Free Consultation 

References: 

Christensen, A., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, B., & Yi, J. (2010). Marital status and satisfaction five years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(2), 225–235. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018132 

Christensen, A., Doss, B. D., & Jacobson, N. S. (2014). Reconcilable differences: Rebuild your relationship by rediscovering the partner you love—without losing yourself (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. 

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.